What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 16:43
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
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We all went to grammer schools
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So whats the point in blame.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?
My family never makes their pension either.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im still living with it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I think the readers, may guess!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
He resisted the act ,that day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ive learnt so much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them